How Do We Move From Friends To Dating?

xlanlfc asks, "I have a friend who I have gone out and done things with (as friends) for about five years. I have a huge crush on her and think we are very compatible. I'm ready to take this relationship to the next level. Why haven't I hit on her before? She is a little overweight. Don't bother me none, but my friends, well, they might think differently. So I haven't hit on her. But I'm over that now. If they don't like it, tough, because I really really like her. I'm ready. So what's the problem? I haven't hit on her in the five years we have been hanging out. I just don't know how to proceed."

What do you think? Any suggestions for this 44-year-old single parent?

Do you have a difficult or frustrating dating question? Then fill out the dating advice submission form to have your question answered here.

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What Falls By The Wayside When You Start a New Relationship?

There are a number of friends in my personal circle whom I know, without them having to say a word, when they've started a new relationship. Why? Because suddenly I stop hearing from them, or they cancel plans more often than not.

What about you? Do your friendships change when you start a new relationship? And what do you do if a friend of yours suddenly goes AWOL because they've too wrapped up in New Relationship Energy?

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Is There Any Point in Dating If You Don't Have a Job?

barkingdog69 in the dating forum wants to know, "I am currently not working, but am in between jobs, and looking. I've been wanting to do the online dating thing for some time now. I believe that to be the best vehicle for finding someone, but I don't think any woman would be interested in a guy without a job. So I have been holding out till I can secure a job. This is tough though because I am lonely and tired of not being in a relationship. Should I post the ad anyway taking the slim chance that there is a lady that would respond, or should I continue to hold out until I am employed (whenever that may be)?"

So readers, what do you think? I've added my two cents already. (see: Should I Date When I Don't Have a Job?) Would you try to meet someone if you didn't have a job, or would you date someone who was jobless? For those who have been in this position (single and without employment) what did you do?

Do you have a difficult or frustrating dating question? Then fill out the dating advice submission form to have your question answered here.

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Research Shows What Tactics To Use To Meet Someone Special

A few years ago the magazine Scientific American Mind discussed how we meet someone we marry, live with, or partner with (either short term or long term). Interestingly, some dating statistics presented in the article provided variations between the different relationship statuses and how we meet, and showed that it wasn't that different depending on how committed we were: the majority in all four scenarios meet through friends most of the time, with self-introduction and family members falling suit. Of course there were some predictable variations - such as short-term partnerships (i.e. casual relationships) meeting through self-introduction the most and family members the least - but I found the study results interesting.

In the article, writers Nicholas A. Christakis and James H. Fowler tackle the seemingly debate-ridden stance that meeting the love of our lives has less to do with randomness and chance, and more to do with social networks than anything else. Out goes the romantic notion that a 'happy accident' or fate pulling people together such as in many a romantic comedy. No, the stats are quite clear: if you want to find someone to partner up with, no matter what kind of relationship you are looking for, use your social networks.

But how about you? How did you meet your current, or last partner? Take the poll and let me know.

_{Christakis, N.A., & Fowler, J. H. (2009, November/December). Love the one you're with. Scientific American Mind, 20(6), 48-55.}

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Does My Boyfriend Want Space?

chrissy723 asks: I've been dating my boyfriend for 7 months now but lately things have changed. A week ago or so my car broke down, so I asked him to pick me up from work. He asked me to find someone else because if he picked me up he'd be tired. Then, yesterday my boyfriend accused me of being snoopy because I was checking out his brand new PDA - something totally out of character for him to buy, considering what a miser he is. All I wanted to do was look at the features, but he took it the wrong way. What really upset me though was when my boyfriend asked me to take my things with me whenever I leave his place, because he feels like I'm trying to move in. Is he sending me a message that I'm not seeing, or does he merely want some time and space?

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How Do Single Parents Date?

In the dating forums, EAM_at_44 wants to know: "I am 44, divorced almost 2 years, a working mom of 3. I started dating a few months ago using an online service to meet men because otherwise I don't know when I would have the time to meet new people. I have gone out with 4 men as a result of screening them by email and phone first. All 4 of them were great at the start but a few weeks into dating it's like they looked like the same people but didn't act the same. I feel like I'm wasting a lot of time. Some people might be able to weed through them faster but I can only date once a week when my sitter is available and once a month I get a whole weekend when my ex has the kids so I feel like I'm putting a lot of time into each man just to get a bad surprise a month or 2 in to each effort. Suggestions?"

As a starter, I would suggest to EAM_at_44 to book a spot in speed dating event during her next scheduled bout time alone. This way she can meet a lot of people in a small amount of time, without having to weed through a larger number of potentially interesting people. (see: What Is Speed Dating, How To Speed Date and reviews of some of the major speed dating companies for more information).

I'd also recommend looking at dating a bit differently than you have up until now. From your post, I get the impression that you want a relationship NOW, and don't have or want to spend the time to let something fully evolve into whatever it's going to be. As a single parent myself, I understand completely. There's only so much time in a day, and when you're parenting full time and solo, it doesn't leave a lot of time for your own personal, adult relationships.

So here's what I suggest: think of this initial stage of dating as something fun and lighthearted. A chance to get to do the things you've always wanted to, but couldn't, or a way to meet new folks where you *may* share interests, but likely won't - and that's okay. Because the kind of dating I'm suggesting isn't putting out the intention of, "Don't waste my time, I'm in it to win it!" but rather, "I'm happy with my life, and would love to share it with someone special. Is that you? Maybe, but let's go do something fantastic that I've always wanted to try, and if you're that person, great. If not, I thank you for the time you did invest in getting to know me, and best of luck."

Hopefully, you can see the shift in what I'm saying. Instead of putting all this pressure on your date to be something or someone, instead, just get to know the person in a fun, interesting way, doing something you wanted to do anyway. If you enjoy their company, say so, and if you realize after one or two dates that it's just not feeling the way you want it to, say that pleasantly as well. No harm, no foul, because you still checked off something from your bucket list AND met someone cool in the process. They might not be your mate, but they're still a unique individual nonetheless.

What do you think? For those of you who are single parents and dating, I'd love it if you shared what has worked for you and your family.

_{Related: Single Parent Dating Sites, The Perks of Dating a Single Parent, Who Comes First, Your Kids or Your Partner?, Single Parent Dating Blogs, He Doesn't Want Kids But I'm a Single Parent.}

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He Wants an Open Relationship Dating Question

Lindsay asks, "My guy and I have been dating over a year. We've had our rocky times and our good ones, but all in all its been pretty amazing. Recently however I found out he was meeting other women on dating sites and even kissed one of them. When I asked him what was going on, he said that he felt he wasn't wired for monogamy. He didn't want to hurt me, so he was relieved that it was all out in the open. He asked if I would consider an open relationship, where we both date other people but still stay together. He says he cares for me very much, and how he feels isn't a reflection on me. He also said he doesn't want to lose me, but he was scared I'd reject him for who he is.

I'm hurt that he lied to me, and I'm confused about my role. Isn't this moving backwards to a casual relationship? I really care about this man, but I'm so confused. Help?"

Well Lindsay, there are two ways to look at your situation. You can either consider your guy's request for an open relationship (learning more about what it means, and whether or not its something you can do) or you can say its not something for you and go your separate ways. Of course, that's easier said than done after a year or more of dating.

Let me first say that an open relationship is very different than polyamory. I realize that you haven't mentioned this in your question, but bear with me for a second. Polyamory is the concept that we can love more than one person romantically, and at the same time. In my experience, most polyamorous relationships are open and everyone is aware of the other loves or partners, and there is a feeling of inclusiveness. Open relationships on the other hand can be polyamorous, but I find the term usually refers to more of a 'don't ask, don't tell' sort of policy, where both parties date other people with the other's knowledge. Open relationships are just that - open - so each person can really do as they please without having to answer to anyone else.

Now, that's just my interpretation. Surely other readers will chime in and share their thoughts. But what I will say is that in my experience, polyamory is focused on love and affection, whereas open relationships are more come what may type experiences. I've also found that folks in poly relationships seem to communicate at a much higher level with their partners (out of necessity) whereas people in open relationships don't seem to share as much with regards to the status of where things are with other folks.

The reason why I'm sharing this information with you is because I want you to know you have more than just two choices: leave or stay. You can also negotiate with your partner to redefine what you have so that the relationship works for both of you. I can't tell if you're open to this type of situation, and frankly, it's a difficult road for even the most stable of relationships. But it is an option, and one worth discussing when things have cooled down a bit.

For now, I'd suggest thinking about whether or not your guy's actions are something you can forgive - or at the very least understand. I'm not condoning his behavior, because I don't believe that lying is ever an answer. But I do believe that his actions have opened up a level of communication and honesty that the two of you probably haven't shared before, and it might be an opportunity for growth for both of you. And since you wouldn't be asking the question if you weren't considering (even a little bit) his proposal, I have to assume you're willing to negotiate. So with that in mind, I'd recommend first discussing with him the dishonesty aspect, and seeing if its a long term issue or a one-off event. Then I'd move into what you both see an open relationship as, what you need out of it, what can be negotiated and what are deal breakers.

I'd also recommend that you speak with a counselor about your feelings, independently of your partner, and take some time to look at what you need from a partner, and whether or not your guy can, or is willing to give that to you. Finally, I'd take some time to nurture and be gentle with yourself, and give yourself some space and time to think without too much pressure from anyone.

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